Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in joeyb_usc's LiveJournal:

Sunday, June 25th, 2006
10:50 am	In One Week One week from today I will turn 22 years old. Hmm... How in the hell did that happen so quickly? I guess I'm feeling tha time is just going by too fast. 22 years old. SHIT! I'm almost done with school, which means "real world" with a regular 9-5, probably. That's not a problem becuase I can handle it when the time comes, but I guess what's bothering me is that I'm getting farther away from that small town boy from TX. Yeah, I haven't been that kid in a long time. A lot has happened since I left TX, and there is no doubt in my mind that I'm a completely different person. Not to mention, I'm a struggling alcoholic. I don't drink much anymore, but that's only because my tolerance has gone down a lot. I had to really cut back on the drinking b/c I was blacking out too much. Blacking out is the worst. Anyway, I'm not giving up alcohol completely, but it's under control at the moment. That's all I can promise. I've also been a little down b/c I haven't been working out. But seriously, after orientation my ass is tired, and I'd rather partake in my house ritual than work out. Which, in case you don't know, is worse in every way. I left one addiction for another...story of my life. lol Other than that, I am looking forward to celebrating my bday. So far, my friend is taking me to see a production of Agamemnon, one of my fave classics. I'm going to Tigerheat on that Thursday, Agamemnon, that Friday, Weho on Saturday, and maybe some shopping on Sunday ;) Well, that's it for now. peace Current Mood: calm Current Music: LOOSE (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 29th, 2006
1:14 am	IT'S HAPPENED... rock bottom. I've hit it. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 28th, 2006
6:23 pm	a journey through la, a journey within... Last night I experimented with the LA public transportation system...alone. And honestly, everything was going smoothly until I got to my destination and realized that I didn't know what bus to take back home. Uh oh! What to do, what to do? I tried to call a few friends and ask if they could look it up online. Unfortunately, I lost my cell phone a few weeks ago with all my 200 phone numbers. SHOOT! anyway, I tried to call the few that I had, but they were not helpful. I decided to risk it and take the bus 4 that goes to Venice/Hill in downtown. "hey" I thought... "i live near downtown, maybe i can take this one." not a good idea. Once in downtown, I realize that this bus would not take me back to my 'SC, so I got off at the metro station and was advised to take the redline. While on the redline, two guys were looking at me...scary! I got off at union station becuase I didn't know where the fuck I was going, and you know what?... one of the guys ran to me and introduced himself. Apparently, he wanted to introduce me to his friend...ugh! All i wanted to do was cry, and this guy was trying to pick me up...not the time BITCH! hehe After wasting time at Union Station, I tried calling a few more friends to pick me up, and I got pissed off b/c i realized that i'm tired of depending on people. I'm tired of being this burden on people's shoulders, namely my friends. I admit that I've been accused of using people, and I have. I've never done it to be selfish, but I just tend to need help a lot. Also, it's hard to refuse when my friends always encourage me to take them up on their offers. it's a confusing cycle. Anyway, I got pissed and decided to walk home from Union Station to 29th/Hoover. I'm not gonna lie, I was scared shitless and booking it all the way. I didn't even know where I was. I didn't know if i was going in the right or wrong direction. I didn't know what street was coming up, and I was sad. However, I felt a sense of relief once i saw the "1st Street" sign. Yay!... I made it to 1st street. All I had to do now was walk 28 blocks south and a few blocks west...quite a trek but whatever. During this walk through downtown LA, I wondered many things: would I be robbed? would I be hurt? why didn't I just sack up and call a friend and admit that I fucked up again, needed help again, and once more become a burden. Why was I fearful of asking my friends to help me? What kind of relationship is it when you feel you can't rely on your friends? What is wrong with my sense of self and my friendships? Of course I attract dramatic elements to my life. Everybody knows that about me, but I wish it wasn't so. Why do I set myself up for let-downs? Why do I hurt the one's I care for? Why do I hurt myself? A long time ago, my best friend Joanna asked me what I wanted out of life. I want to be happy. And i'm not happy right now. She asked me about the people I surround myself with. Do I care for these people? Of course i do. Are they good for me? ... I like to think so. She told me to take care of myself because no one else would do it... so simple, yet why the fuck can't I do it? My life of alcohol, drugs,... when will I stop being so self-destructive? I'm just not ready; I don't think i'm ready. I'm not ready for this life that I live. I feel like I'm so far behind that i can't catch up. I feel as though I'm wasting time and money in school; I'm wasting my health...my youth. Joanna must be tired of me by now. I've been the same mopy and depressed little boy for too long. I think she's getting fed up with me not listening and following her advice. I wish I could have her strength. I'm trying. I'm trying to survive. I'm trying to do things myself. I just need to stop feeling this depression. I can do it. I will. Anyway, my walking journey ended at the Staples Center... I caught the right bus home from there. Back at SC, and i was tempted to get a drink at CalMart to calm my nerves... I got diet coke, a sneakers, and a Monster instead b/c I now had to write my theatre critical analysis. And here i sit...at work... not happy... wearing a smile :) "REMEMBER how it used to be when the stars would fill the sky remember how we used to dream those nights would never end those nights would never end" jb (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
10:53 am	It came again...but will it stay this time? Well, it happened again last night. I began talking to my ex after several months of ignoring each other. Recenlty I had been commenting on his online profiles just to let him know that I was still thinking of him. And late one night, I told him "good luck" and "good night." And I left it like that. But last night...he contacted me. It started out well just like always, but there was this fear that it would soon turn sour. We continued to ask about our lives and what we had been up to. And then, he made the first move..."How's your mom?" Regardless of what has happened between us (good, bad, my fault, his fault), we still care a lot about each other. Him asking me about my mom and me asking about his and his little sister. We know each other really well, and yet...it's been a long time since we've been in contact. Sometimes I feel like I'll be ok and move on from this heart ache, and others I dwell over him and our past, current and possible future relationship. It's quite annoying, but I know it's just a process; it's just life; it's just these feelings I have. He's still the good guy I remember...and still very hot, hehe. I'm not gonna lie, my heart races when I think of him or see him. I wish I could be closer to him in any way, but we've fucked things up majorly in the past. This time must be slow. Otherwise, we'll be in a constant cycle of being first acquaintances, then friends, and finally we'll piss each other off and won't speak for months. I care for him too much to let that happen again. I know I talk about this guy all the time, but I know why ... basically it's because that's all I think about. Even now. I guarantee there has not been one day since I've met him that dancing night in July that I haven't thought of him. Whether it's his pictures, his online profiles, the songs and musical artists we would listen to, trips to different places. Yup...everyday. We chatted for quite a while, even though I should have been reading for school. (hehe) It was worth it. He said it makes him happy to talk with me. It makes me happy, too. I told him that we should know now where to draw the line. (after so many fuck ups). I think we might be talking more regularly. That'll be nice. And even though I will probably always have this deep down desire to have him all to myself again...I will suppress it as long as I possibly can. It's just safer that way. He wants to study abroud next spring, and I'm really concerned for his safety. Although, I'm very happy for him, and I know this is something important to him. I asked him to let me know when he leaves the states; I need to know when I should start picturing him in Guadalajara instead of Northern California. Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 26th, 2006
2:36 pm	It's this feeling So I've decided to begin updating my livejournal more often. I think it might be good for me to sit down and actually put some thoughts into tangible means instead of spending countless ridiculous hours on myspace or facebook. Yeah! I'm that pathetic :( lol Anyway, this was a good weekend. It was my best friend's (Ernie) birthday. The big 2-1! I hope he had fun b/c it's a special birthday, and he deserves it. I feel fortunate to have spent the heart of his birthday with him (lol, he actually celebrated for a week, practically). Now that it's over...back to reality and responsibility. Do you ever have this feeling of...well, kind of like...BLAH! It's like a weird concoction of sadness, depression, loneliness...sort of like being dead and observing and not really knowing what to do? LOL...good god; it sounds like i'm gonna hurt myself or something. hehe! Nah, I'm over that phase. ;) But today that feeling is here. I have a ton of work to do, and I also have more bullshit to take care of. I'm kind of poor right now. The only thing I'm really happy about is the fact that I've been eating better and working out more often. Oh, and running! I think I have falled in love with running. hehe! It feels good to go running, and I enjoy doing it around the USC campus. USC is gorgeous. I love it. So basically, I have that going for me. Oh, I've also been losing some weight, which I happen to like, but pretty much everybody else doesn't. I'm glad my family can't see me right now; they'd probably trip to see how thin I was. Since I've been back at SC in the beginning of January I've lost about 10 pounds. It's mainly due to the fact that I've given up fast food for the most part. The running helps, too. The one thing I don't like about losing weight is that my clothes don't look good on me anymore. I have no clothes. Actually, I have a lot for a guy, I guess, but nothing really fits anymore. Shoot! Oh, and I'm too poor right now to buy new clothes, which sucks b/c I love shopping. However, that is part of the reason why I'm poor now. LOL! Grades are not cool right now; it's gonna be a struggle, but I kinda already knew that. I'm taking 6 classes (3 4-unit classes and 3 2-unit classes). They all suck, too pretty much. So much busy work; wtf? Lame. Last semester was tight, and I think it was the best semester I've had...with grades, that is. Oh, yeah...my Grandfather passed at the beginning of the year, and I had to fly back home during the first week of school. That kinda sucked. Not only that, but when I went home my brother and others were like, "So what happened to SC?" BITCHES! Not only is it the wrong time to bring that shit up, but I don't ever want to bring that shit up. I don't talk about it. hehe! So now my Grandmother is kinda sick. I don't know what will happen when it's her time. She's kinda the backbone of the family and highly regarded as the head mother, ya know? I love her. I feel horrible b/c I don't know Spanish that well, and she doesn't know English that well. Therefore, all our conversation my whole life have been weird and confusing at times. I should have learned. I should have done a lot of things. I should do a lot of things. I think I get this feeling sometimes b/c I hate how I am. I know people say this about themselves, but I am a fucked up person. I never like to speak about them out loud, but it's true. I'm an alcoholic, slut, pot head, selfish bastard, superficial gay boy who wants to look like the "gay boy next door," true idiot (i have no intelligence, but I've been lucky ), sensitive baby who cries over everything (or wants to, at least), lazy procrastinator, etc. I think the one thing I like about myself is my heart. I have a really big heart that is constantly looking for more people, places, and things to add to its warmth. I usually wear my heart on my sleeve, which sucks. Sensitivity is a bitch. Especially when most of your peers are sarcastic ass holes. There's no need for rudeness. Why is it so popular? Especially when it hurts people? I apologize if this is kink of a ramblign pile of crap, but I have difficulty forming thoughts in a cohesive and coherent manner. Stream of consciousness is what it's called, I think. Idiot, remember? I guess I'll take a breather right now. Peace Current Mood: blank (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 13th, 2005
10:30 pm	Get Over It I don't understand why I let thins get to me so easily. Most of the time I just want to say "Shut the fuck up. Sack up and be a man." That's all too difficult, though. I'm tired of being this person. It's not even who I am; I don't even know who I am, yet. And you know what?!? I think that's ok, but I'm so tired of being this thing that is weak, sad, depressing, pathetic, and basically annoying. I would give anything to make others happy, but for some reason I only annoy people with my stupid feelings. Unfortunately, that's the only thing I'm sure of about myself...I feel. It will and is my downfall, and I wonder how far I can get with it. I doubt that having so many feelings, wearing my heart on my sleeve, and caring is going to do anything for my character or my life. I'm still that little boy that lets people yell at him because he thinks he did something wrong. And maybe he did, but why must he be yelled at?!? Why don't people know how to communicate? Is the sound of their own voice and thoughts so important to them that they must overpower everyone around them?...even if they do "love" them. Love: That's a word that gets thrown around too easily. I'm guilty. I just want to know when I'm going to grow up. I want to know who my friends are going to be. I want to know that people don't have to yell at me to tell me something. I guess I want a lot, but at least I don't demand it like others. Maybe that's what I need to do. DEMAND! I deserve things. Others do, so why don't I? Maybe it's because I do place others first. I don't know. I'm just tired of being lost. I'm tired of being me. And it's not even me. I don't even know who "me" is, but I'm tired of being "this." When will it change? I guess when I'm ready to change it will happen, but that is one scary thing...change. I just want to be ME already. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Mindcircus (Comment on this)
Monday, October 31st, 2005
1:39 am	Monster Massive = Heaven There have been a few moments in my 21 years that I have experienced HAPPINESS, GLEE, JOY, LOVE and in turn, I have experienced Ecstasy. However there is nothing compared to thousands of others sharing your love and compassion. This is what Monster Massive did for me. Monster Massive is a Halloween-themed Rave. There are some things that will never be relived outside that moment: Kissing my best friend and it being understood that it was needed and welcoming. Seeing a friend look up from staring at the grass for an hour to have her face and eyes glow with happiness, saying "I'm ready. I'm up." Dancing and having the world be mine and letting the world have me. Darkness with glowing lights, pyrotechnics, loud music, people, love, understanding...HAPPINESS! Jumping up and down becuase it was fun. Dancing with glowsticks, holding hands, massaging, hugging...love! It was what it was...my heaven, my joy, my love...MY ELEMENT! Thank you to all who helped me celebrate Halloween 2005 at Monster Massive! Current Mood: happy Current Music: "Just Be" - DJ Tiesto (Comment on this)
Monday, September 26th, 2005
3:21 pm	Lucky to live...Unlucky! So I spoke to someone that is very special to me and someone that I respect so very much. And she told me what I couldn't bare to hear: She was disappointed... As am I. Do you ever wonder about the mistakes we make? Why do we make mistakes? To learn? To hurt? To destroy the lives we have? I have definitely made my share of mistakes, and you know what?!?!? I'm tired. When will I stop making mistakes? How do I stop fucking up? I am fortunate once again...we all are, but I've been through hell. And wait...am I done?... NO! Let's see how much this little boy can be broken, torn, ripped, and reborn. I'm tired............... Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Counting Crows "Colorblind" (Comment on this)
6:49 am	My secret. My hell. There are many people that will never know the life I have led this past week. These days that melted into seconds completely engulfed my being and tried to strangle the life out of me. I am glad to say that it was unsuccessful, but it has changed my life...my mind...my heart...me. Be forewarned that there are places in this world that will drive you crazy. There are places in this world that should never be seen by human eyes. There are places in this world that should not exist. Please be aware that there are people in this world that enjoy hurting other people. There are people in this world that are hired to help the innocent. There are people in this world that are not people at all. This past week, I have been dragged down through hell and ran over by Satan's carriage of fire over and over. This past week, I've felt like my insides were turned out...set on fire...ripped apart... This past week, I died over and over again. You may never know how much I love being here with you. I love you all...BE CAREFUL! Current Mood: sad Current Music: Heather Nova: "Blood of Me," "Ruby Red," "Avalanche" (Comment on this)
Friday, July 29th, 2005
8:13 pm	All Alone in 248 Well, here I sit...in 248 again...alone...again. And by 248, I mean apartment 248 in Troy Hall East. And by apartment 248 in Troy Hall East, I mean the party central/home of OA Summer 2005. The apartment just seems so empty without its last inhabitants: Greg, Arthur, and all the orientation staff. I keep thinking that any minute somebody is going to walk in or knock on the door...and there's nothing. It's almost been a week since all OA responsibilites have been over. And all I can think of all day every day is how much fun I had this summer. This summer was so special to me, and I hope to feel like that again soon. I'm one that tends to linger on old good times that causes me to miss new good times, but I enjoy lingering. This week I've replayed the fun and not so fun times that I have experienced this summer. Whether it was spending endless, countless, and monotonous hours listening to presentation right after another during training week or if it was stuffing more packets half way through the summer. I enjoyed it because I was with my friends...making new memories, inside jokes, nick names, etc. And of course, how could I forget the sessions: the one's we hated, the one's I hated, the one's I loved, the one's we loved...I cherish them all. Oh, a big shout out to all my dancers during the social in Club TSC. And by Club TSC, I mean Club Topping. And by Club Topping, I mean Topping Student Center. Hehe! And now, all my new friends have gone on to different things. We are all split up, and I'm sad about that. I know all good things (this "thing" was amazing) shall come to an end, but it always makes me sad. Well, Aaron (the only one of my OA Family members left in Troy) has invited me to join in a "special circle" session. Aaron and I have grown closer to each other. There was a time when he wasn't my favorite. But now, I'm glad to say that he is. Thanks for being in Troy after the storm, Aaron. To all my other fellow-OA's. I hope your vacation is finally treating you well. Don't forget us, ok? I love you all. Thanks! Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Orientation 2005 CD #1 (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 25th, 2005
11:38 pm	Hello, LiveJournal! OK, so after a whole summer of having friends and co-workers rant and rave about LiveJournal, I decided to join. From what I have heard about this place, it's good for writing and for others to understand how you're feeling. That's pretty cool. All right, let's get down to business. I'm feeling a little lonely right now (ha, what else is new?). All my co-workers and friends have moved away, and I miss them. Only one besides me remains, and it's sad. This summer was amazing and fun. I worked as a new student Orientation Advisor at USC, and I miss it already. The people I worked with grew to be some really great friends, and now our summer fun has come to an end. The last of my quartet I loved being a part of on the staff left on an air plane early this morning. Well, I think right now I'm forcing myself to write, so I'll stop my "initial entry," and come back later. Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)